|
|
KNOW YOUR UNIX SYSTEM
ADMINISTRATOR A FIELD GUIDE
There are four major species of Unix sysad:
- The TECHNICAL THUG. Usually a systems programmer
who has been forced into system administration; writes scripts in a
polyglot of the Bourne shell, sed, C, awk, perl, and APL.
- The ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST. Usually a retentive
drone (or rarely, a harridan ex-secretary) who has been forced into
system administration.
- The MANIAC. Usually an aging cracker who discovered
that neither the Mossad nor Cuba are willing to pay a living wage for
computer espionage. Fell into system administration; occasionally
approaches major competitors with indesp schemes.
- The IDIOT. Usually a cretin, morpohodite, or old
COBOL programmer selected to be the system administrator by a committee
of cretins, morphodites, and old COBOL programmers.
HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR:
---------------- SITUATION: Low disk
space. ----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to
monitor disk usage, maintain a database of historic disk usage, predict
future disk usage via least squares regression analysis, identify users
who are more than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to
the offending parties. Places script in cron. Disk usage does not
change, since disk-hogs, by nature, either ignore script-generated mail,
or file it away in triplicate.
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts disk usage policy in
motd. Uses disk quotas. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development
work. Locks accounts that go over quota.
- MANIAC:
# cd /home # rm -rf `du -s * | sort
-rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;
- IDIOT:
# cd /home # cat `du -s * | sort -rn |
head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n", $2}'` | compress
---------------- SITUATION: Excessive CPU
usage. ----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to
monitor processes, maintain a database of CPU usage, identify processes
more than a standard deviation over the norm, and renice offending
processes. Places script in cron. Ends up renicing the production
database into oblivion, bringing operations to a grinding halt, much to
the delight of the xtrek freaks.
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts CPU usage policy in
motd. Uses CPU quotas. Locks accounts that go over quota. Allows no
exceptions, thus crippling development work, much to the delight of the
xtrek freaks.
- MANIAC:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 |
head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`
- IDIOT:
# compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8
-9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`
---------------- SITUATION: New account
creation. ----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Writes perl script that creates
home directory, copies in incomprehensible default environment, and
places entries in /etc/passwd, /etc/shadow, and /etc/group. (By hand,
NOT with passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to
handle new accounts. Usually, said secretary is still dithering over the
difference between 'enter' and 'return'; and so, no new accounts are
ever created.
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts new account policy in
motd. Since people without accounts cannot read the motd, nobody ever
fulfills the bureaucratic requirements; and so, no new accounts are ever
created.
- MANIAC: "If you're too stupid to break in and
create your own account, I don't want you on the system. We've got too
many goddamn sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box anyway."
- IDIOT:
# cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home
directory" # echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" >
/etc/passwd
---------------- SITUATION: Root disk
fails. ----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Repairs drive. Usually is able to
repair filesystem from boot monitor. Failing that, front-panel toggles
microkernel in and starts script on neighboring machine to load binary
boot code into broken machine, reformat and reinstall OS. Lets it run
over the weekend while he goes mountain climbing.
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Begins investigation to
determine who broke the drive. Refuses to fix system until culprit is
identified and charged for the equipment.
- MANIAC, LARGE SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses
sledgehammer to smash same to flinders. Calls manufacturer, threatens
pets. Abuses field engineer while they put in a new drive and reinstall
the OS.
- MANIAC, SMALL SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses
ball-peen hammer to smash same to flinders. Calls Requisitions,
threatens pets. Abuses bystanders while putting in new drive and
reinstalling OS.
- IDIOT: Doesn't notice anything wrong.
---------------- SITUATION: Poor network
response. ----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Writes scripts to monitor network,
then rewires entire machine room, improving response time by 2%. Shrugs
shoulders, says, "I've done all I can do," and goes mountain climbing.
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts network usage policy
in motd. Calls up Berkeley and AT&T, badgers whoever answers for
network quotas. Tries to get xtrek freaks fired.
- MANIAC: Every two hours, pulls ethernet cable from
wall and waits for connections to time out.
- IDIOT:
# compress -f /dev/en0
---------------- SITUATION: User
questions. ----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Hacks the code of emacs'
doctor-mode to answer new users questions. Doesn't bother to tell people
how to start the new "guru-mode", or for that matter, emacs.
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts user support policy in
motd. Maintains queue of questions. Answers them when he gets a chance,
often within two weeks of receipt of the proper form.
- MANIAC: Screams at users until they go away.
Sometimes barters knowledge for powerful drink and/or sycophantic
adulation.
- IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his
knowledge until the user realizes few
---------------- SITUATION: *Stupid* user
questions. ----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Answers question in hex, binary,
postfix, and/or French until user gives up and goes away.
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Locks user's account until
user can present documentation demonstrating their qualification to use
the machine.
- MANIAC:
# cat >> ~luser/.cshrc alias vi
'rm \!*;unalias vi;grep -v BoZo ~/.cshrc > ~/.z; mv -f ~/.z
~/.cshrc' ^D
- IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his
knowledge. Recruits user to system administration team.
---------------- SITUATION: Process
accounting management. ----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Ignores packaged accounting
software; trusts scripts to sniff out any problems & compute
charges.
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Devotes 75% of disk space
to accounting records owned by root and chmod'ed 000.
- MANIAC: Laughs fool head off at very mention of
accounting.
- IDIOT:
# lpr /etc/wtmp /usr/adm/paact
---------------- SITUATION: Religious
war, BSD vs. System V. ----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: BSD. Crippled on System V boxes.
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: System V. Horrified by the
people who use BSD. Places frequent calls to DEA.
- MANIAC: Prefers BSD, but doesn't care as long as
HIS processes run quickly.
- IDIOT:
# cd c:
---------------- SITUATION: Religious
war, System V vs. AIX ----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Weeps.
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: AIX-- doesn't much care for
the OS, but loves the jackboots.
- MANIAC: System V, but keeps AIX skills up, knowing
full well how much Big Financial Institutions love IBM...
- IDIOT: AIX.
---------------- SITUATION: Balky printer
daemons. ----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites lpd in FORTH.
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts printer use policy in
motd. Calls customer support every time the printer freezes. Tries to
get user who submitted the most recent job fired.
- MANIAC: Writes script that kills all the daemons,
clears all the print queues, and maybe restarts the daemons. Runs it
once a hour from cron.
- IDIOT:
# kill -9 /dev/lp ; /dev/lp &
---------------- SITUATION: OS upgrade.
----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Reads source code of new release,
takes only what he likes.
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Instigates lawsuit against
the vendor for having shipped a product with bugs in it in the first
place.
- MANIAC:
# uptime 1:33pm up 19 days, 22:49,
167 users, load average: 6.49, 6.45, 6.31 # wall Well, it's
upgrade time. Should take a few hours. And good luck on that 5:00
deadline, guys! We're all pulling for you! ^D
- IDIOT:
# dd if=/dev/rmt8 of=/vmunix
---------------- SITUATION: Balky mail.
----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites sendmail.cf from scratch.
Rewrites sendmail in SNOBOL. Hacks kernel to implement file locking.
Hacks kernel to implement "better" semaphores. Rewrites sendmail in
assembly. Hacks kernel to . . .
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts mail use policy in
motd. Locks accounts that go over mail use quota. Keeps quota low enough
that people go back to interoffice mail, thus solving problem.
- MANIAC:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | grep sendmail |
awk '{print $2}'` # rm -f /usr/spool/mail/* # wall Mail is
down. Please use interoffice mail until we have it back up. ^D #
write max I've got my boots and backpack. Ready to leave for Mount
Tam? ^D
- IDIOT:
# echo "HELP!" | mail
tech_support.AT.vendor.com%kremvax%bitnet!BIFF!!!
---------------- SITUATION: Users want
phone list application. ----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Writes RDBMS in perl and Smalltalk.
Users give up and go back to post-it notes.
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Oracle. Users give up and
go back to post-it notes.
- MANIAC: Tells the users to use flat files and grep,
the way God meant man to keep track of phone numbers. Users give up and
go back to post-it notes.
- IDIOT:
% dd ibs=80 if=/dev/rdisk001s7 | grep
"Fred"
OTHER GUIDELINES:
---------------- TYPICAL ROOT .cshrc
FILE: ----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Longer than eight kilobytes.
Sources the output of a perl script, rewrites itself.
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Typical lines
include:
umask 777 alias cd 'cd \!*; rm -rf ching *hack mille
omega rogue xtrek >& /dev/null &'
- MANIAC: Typical lines include:
alias rm 'rm -rf
\!*' alias hose kill -9 '`ps -augxww | grep \!* | awk \'{print
$2}\'`' alias kill 'kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!*' alias
renice 'echo Renice\? You must mean kill -9.; kill -9 \!*'
- IDIOT: Typical lines include:
alias dir
ls alias era rm alias kitty cat alias process_table
ps setenv DISPLAY vt100
---------------- HOBBIES, TECHNICAL:
----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Writes entries for Obsfuscated C
contest. Optimizes INTERCAL scripts. Maintains ENIAC emulator. Virtual
reality .
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bugs office. Audits
card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone
conversations. Listens to police band.
- MANIAC: Volunteers at Survival Research Labs. Bugs
office. Edits card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular
phone conversations. Jams police band.
- IDIOT: Ties shoes. Maintains COBOL decimal to roman
numeral converter. Rereads flowcharts from his salad days at Rand.
---------------- HOBBIES, NONTECHNICAL:
----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Drinks "Smart Drinks." Attends
raves. Hangs out at poetry readings and Whole Earth Review events and
tries to pick up Birkenstock MOTAS.
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Reads _Readers Digest_ and
_Mein Kampf_. Sometimes turns up car radio and sings along to John
Denver. Golfs. Drinks gin martinis. Hangs out in yuppie bars and tries
to pick up dominatrixes.
- MANIAC: Reads _Utne Reader_ and _Mein Kampf_.
Faithfully attends Dickies and Ramones concerts. Punches out people who
say "virtual reality." Drinks damn near anything, but favors Wild
Turkey, Black Bush, and grain alcohol. Hangs out in neighborhood bars
and tries to pick up MOTAS by drinking longshoremen
under the table
.
- IDIOT: Reads _Time_ and _Newsweek_-- and *believes*
them. Drinks Jagermeister. Tries to pick up close blood relations--
often succeeds, producting next generation of idiots.
---------------- 1992 PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTION: ----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Clinton, but only because he liked
Gore's book.
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bush. Possibly Clinton, but
only because he liked Tipper.
- MANIAC: Frank Zappa.
- IDIOT: Perot.
---------------- 1996 PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTION: ----------------
- TECHNICAL THUG: Richard Stallman - Larry Wall.
- ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Nixon - Buchanan.
- MANIAC: Frank Zappa.
- IDIOT: Quayle.
COMPOUND SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS:
- TECHNICAL FASCIST: Hacks kernel & writes a
horde of scripts to prevent folk from ever using more than their fair
share of system resources. Resulting overhead and load brings system to
its knees.
- TECHNICAL MANIAC: Writes scripts that SEEM to be
monitoring the system, but are actually encrypting large lists of
passwords. Uses nearby nodes as beta test sites for worms.
- TECHNICAL IDIOT: Writes superuser-run scripts that
sooner or later do an "rm -rf /".
- FASCISTIC MANIAC: At first hint of cracker
incursions, whether real or imagined, shuts down system by triggering
water-on-the-brain detectors and Halon system.
- FASCISTIC IDIOT:
# cp /dev/null
/etc/passwd
- MANIACAL IDIOT: Napalms the CPU.
|